I’m Not Here





        With this project, I have attempted to portray my experiences existing during this pandemic. I know I'm not alone in this feeling as I believe, people as a whole have been depressed and warn down by the longevity of the restrictions, the mundanity of the days and weeks, lack of social or emotional connection whether it be with loved ones or strangers in public. The isolation felt even when around others due to the barriers of expression-concealing masks and the vacant two-meter spaces between us. People are an important part of my own and others lives that has been near eradicated for close to a year. I suffer from an Anxiety Disorder and Depression, the severity of which would differ, yet I was able to control pandemic.

        Now, it has swollen. Anxiety attacks are common, grinding teeth, biting my fingers raw, deep depression leaving me blank and longing for relief, moments of joy and contentment are brief. Bouts of dissociation from reality, my environment seemingly artificial or false, dark figures and white shapes jumping in and out of my peripheral vision as if the code of reality is corrupted, having split second blackouts in vision as if someone has just changed the channel to the same life. I disconnect from myself, watching myself through my own eyes while my body runs on auto pilot, consumed with apathy with no room left for feeling, the clinging boredom no activity seems to quench. Writing this has been the most grounded I’ve felt for a while.

        Using a combination of long exposures, still and moving, to the merging of images, I have attempted to visualise my experience of anxiety, panic attacks, dissociative moments, loneliness and the relentless melt of time, this work is about the mental health crisis we so easily overlook.